sometimes we just get too comfortable wth the way things are going. We like to be in our comfort zones, so much so that when God gives us a call to rise up and fight, we become unwilling to do it. To plunge straight into combat zone for God is not something which could be easily done. I think for me, i would need a lot of courage and the willingness to serve Him, knowing that He died for me and what i can do is never enough to repay Him. Recently, i think im in a sort of rough patch. ive been contemplating about something, whether to continue or not, after all giving up is a better and easier way of escape, even though it can't solve any problems. but to just give up seems a more appealing option to me, never mind the consequences i have to face later. im just this sort of person. when my heart grows weary and becomes heavy over time, i will just try to find ways to escape it, instead of trying to combat the problem. u can say that im a coward and an extremely worrisome coward. sometimes i just can't seem to stop worrying about things, like what's going to happen next, will there be even a chance for me to overcome this? what should i do? even after knowing God, fears and worries for the present situation and future can still get to me occassionally. fortunately im not the only one who feels this way too. Long ago God's people also faced the same sort of feelings. Moses, too, felt uncertain when God told Him to do something. It's obvious that God wanted Him to do as he's told but yet he tried to give excuses like how he can't possible do it since he's not that great and blah blah. Well, im not refering to the 100k blessing campaign when i said im facing some problems of my own. im sure ill get over that as more time passes. time is said to be a healer but for me, i think time is nto a healer, it's just an aid. the real person who can heal all kinds of sicknesses, whether emotionally or ohysically, is Jesus Christ. i was terribly dreading this particular problem, i really don't want to face it, partly because i feel that im not up to it, partly beacause of my lack of confidence, also because of my unwillingness to leave my comfort zone. Crying in front of God is not being weak. it shows that u're thoroughly humiliated in front of Him and so all the more He is able to heal when a person is earnestly seeking Him and when he's finally let go of his over-inflated ego. Seek Him i did and he gave me this verse, which encouraged me, at least just a little.

Psalm 145:13-15, 18-19

13 Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom,
and your dominion endures through all generations.
The LORD is faithful to all his promises
and loving toward all he has made.

14 The LORD upholds all those who fall
and lifts up all who are bowed down.

15 The eyes of all look to you,
and you give them their food at the proper time.

18 The LORD is near to all who call on him,
to all who call on him in truth.

19 He fulfills the desires of those who fear him;
he hears their cry and saves them.

Somehow, i still can't be thoroughly consoled. i still felt afraid and dread is really filling me up and pulling me down. i even got irritated at the slightest things when i came home today. i guess this is a really moody day for me. but as what Jackie Pullinger said, that we get fired up as we go... ill just continue to pray to God and ask Him for His strength to carry me through... and i know that he is a God who always keeps His promises. After all, im His precious daughter...

Oh, how i crave for someone's love and protection
Someone who will always be there when i need him
Someone whom i can trust with all my life
And who will never ever fail me
I felt lost
When all along there's no need to be
Since He's there already for me
Always stretching out His hand
Ever wating so partiently for me to hold it
He's been there right from the start
And He'll also be by my side till the very end.

anw, honestly, is project work helping us jc students at all? i suppose so, since we have to work with different people and do research and stuff. but still, i doubt it's usefulness. it seems to have brought me nothing but tiredness. endless things to find out, too many ends still left untied. im still waiting for the surveys to be done. and how about that one interview? this fri is the deadline for the 1st draft. somehow when i think that it's a school-based deadline and there are still more time till the final one should be ready, i can relax just that bit. now they're even saying that with a 'c' in pw, u may not be able to get into a good uni, despite ur higher than average grades. i wonder if that's indeed true. anw, y do we have to change pw teachers? i like our present one very much! haiz. hope the new one is not far too behind..