Hmmm.. what can i say.. it was just like i expected so it didn't come as a big shock but still im quite disppointed as i thought perhaps this time i could do way better than my prelims. But of course i won't want to mourn and cry. what had happened had already happened. i sure didn't want to waste my time regretting about what i should have done and what i should not have. anyway, it's not really that bad.. at least i can still remain in jj in my same class.

The results i got may not be at all great in the eyes of humans but to God... any results is fine with Him.. what matters most to Him is not how well we do academically or what.. He is most concerned with our hearts.. whether we love Him or not. well, im saying this partly to console myself.. if i say that im not sad at all then i must be lying. but who can heal broken feelings other than Him? i can still look on the bright side of it.. at least i can now study in a more relaxed environment... perhaps if im under less stress then i can grow more andd learn better.. perhaps.. perhaps... i'll just have to trust in Him, trust that this is the path which He has laid down for me.. it may not be a very nice path in the view of other people but to Him, it is the one path most suited for me.. I may not like what He has planned for me but still, how can a father ever harm His own children? Having faith in Him even though everything i receive is not what i wanted or expected... it's difficult.. but still it is important to have faith. now that i can't change anything, i will just have to accept it..if i can't accept it, won't i be such a loser? but we are not losers in the eyes of God.. and now for once.. I really want to change myself.. i don't want to be the kind of student i was before.. i don't want to even close my eyes for a minute during lectures and tutorials.. i don't even want to skip anything academically.. i also don't ever want to not do my homework anymore.. perhaps when I can truly stick true to the promises i made to myself.. things will change for the better.. 'A' levels.. more advanced than the 'O's.. that thought frightens me a bit.. i was thinking.. if i can't even manage the 'O's then how can i ever hope to do well for the 'A's? i don't suppose anything is possible.. i don't think that pigs will ever fly.. but for someone to improve academically in time to do well in A levels? i think that is really possible.. in fact i quite like the idea.. but what lies ahead of me would be trials and disappointments.. obstacles in doing H2 subjects... to overcome all the question marks and disppointments in not doing well for tests.. all these qill eventually lead to tiredness and frustration.. will i still want to persevere in my studies then? would i even be mad at God for not being able to compare myself sufficiently to my peers? time will tell if my heart is really that strong. But i suppose that mugging wouldn't need that much of a determined heart right? if i want to slack and if i don't want to sacrifice any of my free time to do constructive work, then to mug would be much of a trial indeed.. but if like our dear ivy who always has clear focus on doing well for that major exam in mind, i won't even find studying a chore.. what really matters at the core is my attitude.. if only i can change my attitude and my thinking... if only.. if only.. i suppose i have to take back some words i said a few days ago that studying always is like having no life... i don't suppose i should continue with that notion any longer.. how can i get into my desired course in a uni if i think that way.. after all.. to study consistently throughout these 2 critical years is really essential to get a good A level cert.. even for geniuses.. when i feel that i want to slack and go with the flow of other JJcians.. i have to tell myself something that would really jolt me awake.. do i wan to slack and risk having to be retained and to fail my 'A's or do i want to get my desired results in time to come...

Sometimes i wish that things were different for me.. sometimes i fantasize that i would be someone hardworking and intellectual instead of having to be stuck in a body with no apparent academic talents at all.. sometimes i wish that i would be a role model for others.. sometimes i fantasize that i was this, i was that.. that may be the problem with me.. i just can't get down to earth and face reality sometimes.. perhaps that is my way of defending myself from the disappointments that always for some unknown reason seems to invade me. procrastination is not going to be in my vocab anymore.. for my Father and for myself i will change.. perhaps i will perform better in school.. perhaps even a lot better.. but what im sure that i won't change about is my inner self and character.. i will still be as violent, childish, lame and idiotic inside.. haha..

I peeked at the others' result slips
They all did great
I hoped that mine would be about the same
But that was not the case
When i confronted the squiggly-looking numbers
I felt my heart sank
It was just a little sinking feeling
But that was all to make me sad
i thought that this was reality
Not in my dreamland
To date the outcome had arrived
What more could I say
But to accept?

I want to congratulate all the people in 4/5.. almost all of you will be in NJ and i hope that you all will not forget me.. Friends come and go and I really really want to be one of those who will still remain as a friend till perhaps forever. oh i sosund quite mushy but that is what i really feel...

oh btw im not sure if i want to stay in JJ... where should i go? that depends on where He wants me to go haha...